Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Interview 1

Vijay Pawar: First off, I want to thank you for the opportunity to conduct these interviews, Your Highness.

King of Haiti: Don't mention it.

VP: You've been something of a mystery. This will be your first interview in over 20 years.

KoH: I've had little need for one.

VP: And there's been speculation1 that large parts of the unauthorized biography2 were fabricated.

KoH: It would be quite short otherwise.

VP: I'd like to get the real story. So little is known about your childhood. Where did you grow up?

KoH: We can start with college.

VP: Sure. I believe you began studying math at Stanford when you were 15.

KoH: That's right.

VP: What was that like? How would you describe your experience?

KoH: Thousands of hours of monastic study and thought, interrupted, on occasion, by schoolwork or classes.

VP: You use the word 'monastic', but at that time you were not religious?

KoH: I use the word 'monastic' only in reference to my isolation and devotion; my studies pleased me. I was, at that time, the greatest hedonist alive. When diminishing returns set in, my appetites drove me down another path.

VP: The military.

KoH: Yes.

VP: You became an intelligence officer in the U.S. Army Special Forces.

KoH: That is correct.

VP: Some3 have called this a failure of the military's psych testing program.

KoH: I had a very distinguished career.

VP: They are, of course, referring to you post-military career.

KoH: As was I.

VP: You've been compared to Hitler4.

KoH: As have many.

VP: After your discharge from the military you became a private contractor. Sanderson5 claims that this is when you developed the contacts which would eventually allow you to form the R.H.N.

KoH: That is true, but the claim that I initially set out to form the R.H.N is false. It was an idea that slowly formed among my associates and me as we observed the rather shabby state of modern imperialism.

VP: Who was the author of the Haitan Plan?

KoH: I was. My will sculpted Haiti, for better or for worse, for nearly 30 years. The conquest was the easy part.

VP: Time is up, but I hope that next time you can give an overview of your strategy and, more importantly, your justification.

KoH: Certainly.


1-The King of Haiti, Netherlandistan Times (June, 5 B.P.)

2-O.B. Brown, Cosgrach Muir: Cannibal King (New York, NY, 11 B.P.: Rainbow Press)


Is it any wonder that the U.S. military would select an imperialist, a cannibal, a dictator? When we select for rigidity rather than flexibility, when we select for leadership rather than equality, when we select for assertiveness rather than cooperation, it is then that our psychology selects, encourages, molds: men like Cosgrach Muir.
The Haiti Question, The Economist (December, 2 B.P.)

4-Muhammad Muhammad, Hitler, Stalin, Muir: An Eternal Golden Braid (Little Rock, Arkansas 14 B.P.: Johnson and Jacobs)

5-Cael Sanderson, The Royal Haitian Navy: A Study of Conquest (Salt Lake City, Utah, 3 B.P.: BYU Press)

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